Where's Excalibur?
by hehehe.bubbles
Summary: King Arthur's lost Excalibur! Turns out that High King Peter of Narnia has it, and he calls it Rhindon. Merlin and Arthur travel to Narnia to reclaim the sword. Hilarity ensues! Rated T for language.


**WARNING: Everone here is OOC, and if you don't like this, don't read!**

**Disclaimer: No, Merlin does not belong to me.**

***ahem* what's next?**

**Me: Damn, I hoped you'd forget! Fine~! Narnia does not belong to me, either...**

"Where's Excalibur?" Arthur's holler resonates throughout the castle, leaving the servants and nobility alike quaking in fear.

Merlin is the only one that's not afraid to speak up to him. "How'm I supposed to know, you prat?" He hollers right back.

"You're the sorcerer, Merlin." Arthur's voice sounded a bit weird. "Use your magic…" here Arthur's voice trailed off to the mutterings of the insane, and the only words Merlin could hear were 'imbecile', 'execute sorcerer', and 'throw into stocks for a month'. And let's not forget, 'My poor baby!' Referring to Arthur's lost sword, of course.

As mentioned before, if Merlin had been anything remotely like a normal person, he would have, metaphorically speaking, run away with his tail between his legs. But, of course, we all know that Merlin is anything but normal, and is brave (or as most people say, idiotic) enough to face Arthur Pendragon when he is in a rage.

And so Merlin summons up his magic (he's pretty sure his magic isn't supposed to be used like this) and thinks of his king's sword; Excalibur. He has his eyes closed, hands held up high, complete with the rippling purple robes; he has to impress the ignorant masses, after all.

When the crowd gasps (because apparently, it's interesting to watch King Arthur when he's in a rage with someone else) Merlin cracks one eye open, and there's this rectangular thing, kind of like a painting. Except there's three kids and an old man moving around in it. Oh, and let's not forget the two beavers that were bickering in the background.

The old man is talking to one of the children, a fair-haired boy. The boy's name seems to be Peter, the son of Adam – whoever he is.

"Here are your presents," The old man says solemnly, "and they are tools, not toys. The time to use them is perhaps near at hand. Bear them well." And he hands the boy a shield and sword.

Too bad the sword was Excalibur; it would have been a special moment. Arthur instantly goes insane.

"What is _wrong_ with that man?" He rants. "Excalibur's mine, all mine, my baby, my precious baby…" At this point, Arthur bursts into tears, and sinks onto his knees. Right in the middle of the throne room, and in front of the eager crowd, who are all, by now, nearly doubled over with laughter.

Merlin decides to end Arthur's misery (well, a part of it) by sending the crowd of people home, via his magic. They would all wake up after an 'afternoon nap' and think they had the craziest dream ever. Arthur, King of Albion, crying in front of a massive crowd of people over a lost sword? No way.

Merlin enjoys a quiet snigger. It's the perfect blackmail material.

Arthur is now in a heap on the floor, quietly sobbing to himself. "My-my Excalibur, lost and a-alone…" he sniffles. But then, he spots Merlin, and jumps up so quickly that Merlin would've thought that _he _was the sorcerer, if he hadn't known any better.

Arthur's eyes shone with a new resolve. Well, it's kind of because Arthur's been crying, but that's beside the point. The point is, that whenever Arthur gets excited like this, it's going to end really, really badly. "I know how we're going to get Excalibur back," he says excitedly.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Merlin replies, until… "What?! What do you mean, _we_?" Merlin had no idea what he had just agreed to.

"We," Arthur confirms, dragging him over to his painting-that-was-not-a-painting, where it was now showing a lion the size of a large horse. "Are going to jump into this thing."

Merlin stares at him.

"What?" Arthur demands. "It works in movies, why not on TV shows?"

The rest of the cast try to get him to shut up, while Merlin gulps. He knows what's going to happen next.

And so he's (partially) ready for it when Arthur, holding Merlin's hand, jumps into the so-called 'portal', dragging the hapless Merlin along with him.

The ride is somewhat uneventful, until the both land on the ground with a muted thump.

Well, they would have hit the ground with a large thump if they hadn't accidentally landed on some unfortunate noble. Said unfortunate noble was now unconscious, and nearly fell out of his chair.

Merlin and Arthur hurriedly stand up, and end up facing the four people at the head of the table.

There are two girls and two boys. The eldest is a blonde-haired boy, no more than eighteen years old, who stands up, and introduces himself as 'The High King of Narnia, Peter the Magnificent.'

Turns out he has three siblings, and they were also kings and queens of this place called Narnia.

"Really?" Arthur raises an eyebrow. "Well, I'm the Once and Future King. So there." He rudely stuck his tongue out at Peter, eyes fixed on Excalibur, which was hanging off the side of Peter's hip.

"OMA!" One of the Queens, Queen Susan, squeals. "You're King Arthur! You're sooo hot in real life! OMA…wait OMA! I am officially changing OMA from Oh My Aslan to OH MY ARTHUR!" She promptly faints on the spot.

Arthur ignores her, and lunges for Excalibur.

Several things happened at once. Merlin grabs around Arthur's waist, as several Narnian nobles surround their High King. Merlin notes that some of the Nobles' legs are _extremely _hairy – they kind of reminded him of goats. Arthur is accidentally knocked unconscious by a flying elbow.

Everyone's gaze is now on Merlin, who is holding an unconscious Arthur in his arms. "Hello." Merlin says awkwardly.

And the youngest king, King Edward, or King Edmund or something bursts out laughing.

"I don't believe it," he forces out through peals of laughter. "King Arthur's gay…The legendary King Arthur tried to rape my brother!" He turns to his brother. "You should feel honoured," He snickers.

"I only feel violated," was his older brother's muttered response.

Merlin decides that he's had enough of the younger king's voice (after all, he was going through puberty – the king, not Merlin), and stuns him with a silencing spell. It's rather funny, though, seeing the boy king open and close his mouth like his pet goldfish, Goldie (he knows it's not very original) used to do before Merlin accidentally blew him up on day.

But, for a split second, the king breaks through the silencing spell. "Aslan!" King Edmund yells out, before being reduced to looking like a goldfish again.

The word 'Aslan' seems to break some kind or trance, though, and everyone gathered is now laughing at the Just King's expense. Edmund Silver-Tongue, indeed.

But, quite suddenly, a Great Lion appears in the middle of the hall. "Who called me?" The Lion says in a deep voice. His face is the perfect mask of Godliness until he spots Merlin, and a stirring Arthur.

"Shit." The Lion swears, and this fully wakes Arthur up.

"Oh my God!" Arthur screams like a girl, holding tightly onto Merlin. "He's going to eat me!" At the same time as the Lions says, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it!"

Merlin stares at both of them, confused.

The High King of Narnia decides, then and there, that he's had enough of this nonsense, and bows deeply to the Lion. "Aslan," he says dutifully, but with somewhat les respect, after the whole swearing debacle. "Welcome to Narnia."

Aslan dismisses him with a wave of his paw, never once taking his gaze away from Merlin.

The staring competition would have gone on forever, until Arthur interrupts with his customary eloquence. "Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?" He demands, and Merlin lets go of Arthur. The King lands unceremoniously on his posterior.

Merlin just glares at the Lion. The Lion's eyes shift nervously back and forth between Merlin and Arthur before he suddenly bursts out crying.

Over the loud sobs and howls, Queen Lucy the Valiant can be heard saying to the (still mute) King Edmund, "Cough up the dough, man. I _told _you that Aslan had feelings. Mwhahaha, never bet against Lucy the Valiant."

Seeing the Lion crying almost breaks Merlin's heart, and he's suddenly filled with guilt. He's always loved animals (even if they've never loved him back) and so he inches closer towards the miserable Lion, until he's within arm's reach. He tentatively reaches out, and strokes his fur.

"I didn't mean to," Aslan hiccups. "I just, you know, saw Arthur's sword one day, and it was so pretty, and I wanted Peter to have it…Wait, you won't tell daddy, will you?" The Lion's eyes turn so cute, it should be illegal.

The High King's jaw could have touched the floor. "So, you're saying that Rhindon is Excalibur?" His tone is incredulous.

Aslan nods sadly.

Peter also bursts into tears. "But, I thought Arthur liked me," he sobs. "And I was just beginning to like him as well." The crowd gasps. Their High King, Peter, was gay! He grins through his tears, though, and says, "When I get back to England, I'm gonna make a fortune, though, by selling this sword." His grin is full of anticipation.

This statement causes Arthur to go over the edge (again) and he attacks Peter (again). Only this time, no one steps in to help Peter.

"Please, _please_ don't tell daddy," Aslan says to Merlin, oblivious to what's happening around Him.

Merlin nods understandingly. He would _never _want his mother to find out everything he'd been doing…no, wait, don't think that! People could be eavesdropping. He'd really have to wear a tin-foil hat next time to deflect any mind probes thrown his way.

Aslan and Merlin's little heart-to-heart conversation is interrupted by Arthur's cry of 'Yay!" and Peter's sobs of rejection, apparently having made a deal with Arthur. A deal which Arthur had obviously failed to keep.

Aslan, having recovered to His normal self, lays a paw across Peter's shoulder, and says, "Son of Adam, it's alright, you know. You'll get over it. There are other, better men out there. Take your brother, for example."

"What?" Peter's eyes practically pop out of his sockets. "You want me to be with my _brother_?!" he gestures to his younger brother, who it still mute, though his face is flushed a bright red.

"Well, why not?" Aslan counters. "I make up all the rules here, and besides, I _have _to beat the slash dragon over in the Merlin Fandom, and I _will_ win, even if it takes slash _and_ incest!"

"Excuse me?" Peter looks sick, and Aslan realises He's said too much.

"Let's get out of this insanity," Merlin says to Arthur, who nods mutely.

They grab hold of each other's hands, step back through the portal, and back into Camelot. Ah, home, sweet home.

It's too bad that they seem to have accidentally dragged a swooning Queen Susan back with them.

"OMA, Arthur, I love you!" She screeches, before she faints. Again.

**Please review!**


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